Feeling Un-appreciated!!!

There come a time, when I could wish that everything could stop for a moment for me to grasp that little moment in time to breathe in and let all my thoughts out. It seems like every where I look, people around me gets great review, promotion, appreciation or even bonus. However, when I look at myself, I didn‘t have any single thing but a bunch of working experiences which is not even qualify to even say out loud. Why do people work? Was it for the money, interest, knowledge or just because we want a better future? People keep telling me that getting all this so-called appreciation was unnecessary, and do what you do best, get what you want, be happy, plan for your future and a whole bunch more. But seriously, are reviews, appreciation, reward, or even promotion, is it that important?

To me, at some part, I hate to admit that I do really want all that. Who doesn‘t? So, there is part where knowledge is everything, but at certain level, I wanted to feel appreciated. My company promises a lot of thing but never once ever fulfill it and I somehow stupidly end up with load of expectation and end up with full of disappointment. I spend most of my time working in this company because I take pride in my work although it doesn‘t really interest me much. I have a thing doing a job and will perform my best to achieve the goals. Last year, my HR manager told me that the company couldn‘t justify my presence in this company and I remember this phrase until this very days and promise myself that I would do everything I can to prove I‘m worthy enough as my other colleagues.

Today, although technically speaking, I‘m still way behind from them, but I found myself in another road where I can prove that I can excel in other stuff and I did it and happy with the achievement I‘ve done. If this is what it takes for the company to justify my presence, so be it but it would seem that others had taken credits for the work I‘ve done. I have my own share of workload and it would seem fair that the company could at least give me something in return. At least so I will fert appreciated or motivated to perform my jobs. However, it got me thinking after hearing some advice from my colleagues and friends, why it is that I always seem to believe all the negative thing people say about me. Although there much evidence to prove on the contrary, how is that a review, non appreciation, works could cancel every single though I once though was true. I, when it comes to work, why do I always seem to fear about my worst review.

Web Service - Axis (HELP!)

Finally, I‘m not depressing anymore. I don‘t have red spot on my face anymore because of some stupid allergy. Now, I could officially announce that I am PANIC right now. Why? First, some java architecture or framework needed to be done and I am part of the team and I don‘t have time to depress. Second, my team is going into strut, spring, hibernates and lots of other cookoos stuff which doesn‘t ring anything to me. Third, I need to do some research on this web service called “Axis“ which shamefully of me as a programmer never ever heard of it (that includes web service). So yeah, I can start to panic now. When we‘ve been given a task to understand how strut, spring and hibernate works, I didn‘t understand any of it even though my colleagues explain it to me (hehehe). Then, I finally got a module up using S+S+H, which I find it very useful and easy to use although I didn‘t know what the hell I‘m doing. Then, I play around and still got my thing to work which is a good sign, but still have no ideas why it work. Apparently, simple html tag and some iteration and some collection provide what I want (together with strut). Imagine, 4 lines of code could show a table contain all the data I needed (cool).Anyway, still dunnu why it happen…have to understand and quickly wish for some miracles work to happen on my research on Axis by next week or else this so called Mr.God will laugh at me for complaining too much and apparently chop my head off. I think I have to prepare my “will“ right now. Who want my 17” Samsung LCD monitor and a collection of G2000 cloths (that the only item that is worth to me).

Sebum!

It is just me, or is everywhere seems to be so damn hot. Yesterday I woke up feeling hot and sweaty and here I thought that I‘m having a fever. I walk toward the toilet and shock to see that my face have red spot everywhere. My face feel so dry, itchy, rough and when I touch it, the skin just break and it hurt so badly (luckily it didn‘t bleed). I didn‘t know what happened because I never had any problem with my face before and truthfully speaking I never had pimples before and never need to wash my face and yet, still I can maintain perfect skin (I‘m not showing off…haha…but it is true). Then I though to myself, had my hormone finally kick in because I sometime think that I am retarded and couldn‘t get mature at all. I find it weird because everyone I know suffers from pimples during their teenage age and I on the other hand have nothing to worry about. I didn‘t know my face is allergy to something or just rashes but how come only my face is infected. I can‘t stand it anymore, felt like want to scratch my face now. Whenever I feel hot, the thing come out and now working in office is so damn hot and it is not helping at all. Our office aircond doesn‘t seem to work and now my face is all red. My colleagues freak out when they saw my face (this is so shitty). I went online and make some research and find out something quite shitty interesting. I saw some sample picture which quite similar to mine and it is called “sebum” and it was cause because of sweat, humid and DEPRESS. This is so shitty; it is like I already have enough depression all over me and it have to affect my face too. This is really shitty and discrimination…fucks it. I felt like a walking tomatoes right now…

Older or Wiser?

It is funny how thing turn out just because of some minor alteration in the timeline. We were like good friends for one day and then the next day, everything seems to fall apart just because of some promotion/appraisal. I hate to admit it but what is all the fuss about it? In that period of time, I didn‘t know what got over me but when I look back now, it somehow seems so foolish to act such a way. People say that money and friendship don‘t mix, but how come nobody ever warns me about promotion/power could somehow equally jeopardize a friendship as money.

Maybe I‘m been naive, but I prefer the time when we all start out fresh. I knew that thing would go differently in the end, but I didn‘t expect it to be sooner. Half year ago, it was rather sad because all of us are divided in to two team and somehow, we been label in such a way but we manage to look at ourselves as one whole team. Anyway, one month ago, instead being separated into two teams, all of us somehow divided into two sections; promoted and the one that is not promoted. The promoted people start to drown themselves with load of works, responsibility and load of showing off. Where else, the none-promoted drown themselves in lesser work, worry about their future and self pity. Somehow, I wish that with time itself, everyone will just get over it and still be friend or I‘m been too naïve again.

I on the other hand, am under the label of “non-promoted“ section, am worry about my own future instead. I‘ve been working for more than a year now and somehow, when I look back at the mirror, I look at the same person one year ago except I have shorter hair, get a little chubby and start smoking. If you stay working long enough, you suppose to get wiser about your work. What to do in certain circumstances? How to handle problems? Where to find the perfect opportunity? But what make any of us expert. What if, all those time workings only make us older, more confuse or dead? Are we getting wiser or just older? Hmm… speaking of older, I‘m under the “men in their mid-twenties” section, still single, a lousy career and worst of all; I didn‘t know what I want. I‘ve been thinking a lot recently and still it got me nowhere and I need to figure out before I went for my appraisal. The thing is, I didn‘t want to stick being a technical consultant slash equal office boy and I will point out in my appraisal. I‘ve been putting out my ass for this company and I want to focus on something which I could officially label it as my own career.

However, I am still blurring about my own future and scare that I will make the wrong decision. Why can‘t thing be simple? I really admire my colleagues that got promoted. They knew what they want from the start and now they got it. Dammit…DAMN myself for being useless. However, I never got the chance to congratulate them but I guess now is a good time to say it (I know you guys are reading this blog and I also want to congrats to the one who moved to 9th floor and leave me behind…hahaha and you own me lunch for losing that bet). I guess, now the time I stop questioning everyone including myself and start choosing my side of the road. Dammit, I have to stop writting about this drama-work of mine but then again, if no drama, I couldn‘t possibly think of anything else to write in this blog of mine. HOw sad…

Picture's worth a thousand words

They say that a picture‘s worth a thousand words. Well, this is a picture of my current life which only consist of 55 words…

Multi-tasking is not the best policy in my future!

Like any typical company, it is either the end or the beginning of the year where every employee in a company must go trough a stage which we all know as “Employee Appraisal“. One of my colleagues however, was having a bad appraisal and that is probably because of her “mind her own business” personality. The upper management was quite worried that she would end up nowhere or not able to evolve in this company if she was to continues with her current attitude. After her appraisal, one of the upper management apologies back to her if he was too hard on her and explain to her that he had to do this because he wanted her to aim for a better future.

I was there that time and after listening to what the upper management had told my colleague, it got me to thinking about my own future. When I first started in this company, I had nothing, no experience, and no knowledge of what-so-ever is going on. Surprisingly, within this one year, I learn many programming languages, technical skill, graphic designing, technical documentation, administrative work, handling change management, conducting presentation and a whole lots more. At first, I was happy to get the opportunity to expose to all this knowledge and I used to think that all of this skill would probably help me in near future. However, after working as a multi-tasking technical consultant for more than a year now, I begin to wonder, will it really help? Exposing to all this knowledge is one thing but truthfully speaking, I barely scratch the surface of anything I done. Being involve in too many thing, I barely had the time to go deep in one particular thing and most of the time, I didn‘t know where I would end up. First do programming, then drag to do technical documentation, later presentation, and then programming again.

Seriously, being a multi-tasking technical consultant, it sometime got me confuse what will I be in the future. Will I be a system analyst, graphic designer, technical writer, or technical team lead? What really upset me was, I didn‘t get the chance to involve in one particular area and major in that area. I didn‘t want to involve in everything and then later, the upper management will look at me and probably think that I‘m not worthy enough to lead a team, or getting a promotion and instead stuck being the “small potato“ which is good at multi-tasking his job. This is getting annoying because there are many times; everyone in my company will look at me like a dummy and if I did something new/challenging and successfully done it, they would probably go “OMIGAW…you did this, u really did it…where did you copy from…or did somebody else done it for you”. This is really de-motivating and insulting. Anyway, I‘m still waiting for my appraisal. Hopefully it went well…bugger!

Itchy crotch, shitty nose...

Last night, I was having dinner at this mamak stall near my house. As I was waiting for my food to arrived, I wonder my eye around looking at people and I accidentally saw this mamak guy scratching his crotch IN PUBLIC. OMIGAW… what happen here, that is the most disgusting thing I‘ve ever seen. Not to mention, I noticed that not only one but majority mamak guys scratch their crotch (IN PUBLIC). Not to mention, now that it occur to me that some of my Indian colleagues also scratch their crotch. What with these people with their crotch. If you feel itchy, go to toilet, scratch and clean your hand (keep it to yourself…I think) and to think that this people serve me food. I didn‘t eat that night probably because I was scare I will find any pubic hair in my Maggie goreng (ok, I really need to vomit now).

For Chinese people, most of them have bad habit digging their nose. Never for once I fail to notice some guy cooking char keow teow and on the same time digging their own nose and continue cooking like nothing happen. This is irritating and disgusting but at least his finger wasn‘t any near his crotch. Eew… but at least it got off my mind from depression, but not the type I expected it to be. This people seriously have to learn some PDA (Public Display of Affection) and I‘m sure that Chapter 1 will cover, don‘t scratch your crotch and Chapter 2, don‘t dig your own shit.

Blur & Depress...

Well, I think two days of cooling down my depression should be enough. Although I must admit that, in my previous post was kinda silly and childish of me to react such a way. However, I still hate the entire thing I wrote in the list but what can I say, it is me. Last Thursday, I got a called from my mum and she told me that she had a minor tumor in her body and that she needs a minor surgery to remove it. Actually, I‘m not sure whether it is a tumor, or a disease, cos she told me in mandarin which clearly I couldn‘t understand at all and my mum didn‘t know what it is called in English but having to go trough surgery was bad enough for me to know that this is bad. However, I was helpless and the least I can do for her was to comfort her a little but, instead I freak out. I totally go bla and I couldn‘t find the correct word to say to her and the worst part, I accidentally told her about my car accident 2 month ago. Which apparently shocked my mum and she scolds me back for not telling her. The fact was, I didn‘t plan to tell her because I didn‘t want to worry her or anything and I‘m sure that she is having a hard time telling me about her tumor which I react in the most stupidest way. After she scold me, it finally hit me that how important the word “honesty” in a family is and I shouldn‘t have keep the accident from her or anything else because I know that deep down, that she will always be there for me. I felt bad that not only did I not comfort her about her problem; I make her in the shocking stage (how utterly stupid of me).

The next day, I went to work with my gloomy face and at the seriously wrong timing, one of my colleagues ask me to help him photocopy some document for him and I lash out my rage on him. I know that I‘m not suppose to do that and I felt guilty over it but the thing is, he is conducting a technical meeting and I wanted so badly to be part of it but instead he excluded me out (probably because he never think I‘m worthy of it). Moreover, excluding me out was bad enough and he dare ask me to just photocopy document for him, plus the stupid incident happen with my mum, I totally go haywire on him. Seriously, I‘ve been working as a technical person all this while, he and the rest of the colleagues never for once treated me like their team but instead as their maid (calculate this, drive to lunch, admin work, documentation, etc). I didn‘t want appreciation/recognition nor did I want anything from them, what I really need from them is to trust me and know that I‘m worth it enough to be part of their team. Over the years, I have proven myself and my programming skill. I just don‘t see why it is hard for them to trust me.

Anyway, everything seems so blur to me and I seriously didn‘t know what to do next. I needed someone to talk to and I wanted to call my mum but still, I didn‘t think this is a good idea although I did mention earlier about family and honesty; I felt that I should keep this problem to myself. Within these two days, I‘ve been thinking a lot and on the same time, cooling myself from depression. I did call my mum and we had a long chat and I‘m glad she is fine now (plus, luckily I didn‘t say anything wrong to piss her off) but I didn‘t tell her about my problem. However, I still couldn‘t come out with anything for myself and what will make me happy…sad.

I want to kill myself...

Lately, everything seem to be falling apart and it is making me sad and worst of all, all I want to do is take a knife and cut myself.

I hate my life.

I hate the feeling of loneliness every time I go back home.

I hate that my car is dirty.

I hate that I‘m broke now.

I hate my job (there I said it).

I hate my colleagues for making me sad.

I hate my colleagues for treating me like dirt.

I hate my colleagues force me to do something I hate.

I hate the feeling of guilt if I told my colleagues that they hurt me.

I hate my colleagues that always left me behind when I was always there for them.

I hate my colleagues for looking down on me.

I hate my colleagues for criticizing me when they ask me for a favor.

I hate my colleagues for being insensitive.

I hate myself for not being able to catch up to other.

I hate that I am stupid.

I hate myself for not able to pass my degree.

I hate myself for being fat person.

I hate myself for letting other so easily used me.

I hate when I heard that my mum is sick.

I hate when my mum scold me.

I hate when people never accept me for who I am.

I hate to live up to other expectation.

I hate being depressed all the time.

I hate the company management for putting me in pressure.

I hate when I have nothing to do.

I hate myself for not able to be independent.

I hate myself for being childish all the time.

I hate myself for being too sensitive over small stuff.

I hate myself for not able to be happy.

I hate that people didn‘t appreciate me for the things I done for them.

I hate everything…

Ok… now if I can find a knife…I‘m going to cut myself now and I‘m happy to hurt myself now. I need help.

Escape from the Dark...

Once upon a time, there was this little boy who wrote “what will I be when I grow up?“ and then when he reach his puberty stage, he look up to his old man and thinking “That what I wanna be when I grow up“. When the little boy somehow turns into teenager and then enters into the circle of adulthood, he asks himself “FUCK…what the hell I want”. That once-upon-a-time-little-boy was me and still me and surprisingly, I end up nowhere near what I want. My father was a successful housing developer and 2 years ago, he offered me a position as a director in his company. I have an opportunity right in front of me, but instead, I choose my own road to become a programmer as I had now. I choose a job which I have no passion in it and even if I accept my father offered, I‘ll be lying to myself as I did to myself now.

One of my good friends told me that I choose this job is mainly because of what some of my close colleagues did. Working with this few close colleagues, it really inspire me to become one of them, to be one of their team and I wanted so badly to be part of what they do. I wish my friend was wrong and I though that all my hard work can maintain my position together with them but now, it finally hit me, my close colleagues get promoted to a higher position and I‘m stuck at a place where I begin. I hate to say this, but from where I stand the entire time, I was different from them. I was never a technical person and even with all my hard work, I will never catch up to where they are now. Not to mention, I have none what-so-ever similar interest with the rest of them, whenever there is an opportunity, they always get it together and excluded me out and mixing with them, I always have low self-esteem. They are like Batman, Robin, and Nightwing where they go out fighting crime and receive all the limelight where else I am Alfred, the butler that working for Batman in his mansion.

Surprisingly, I know what I am good at but it always occurs to me that this is not the type of job I want and I end up choosing the job that I hate. Anyway, since my company has this employee appraisal, 3 of my close colleagues got promoted out of 10 people, and somehow it seem to be a lot of tension around everybody. My 3 close colleagues who get promoted end up being too insensitive to the others people feeling and the rest who still remain in the dark, will still remain in the dark. Don‘t get me wrong, I think that 3 candidate deserve what they got because they earn it and being a friend to them, I am happy for them but still, although I might get too bias and I always support that 3 colleagues, there are other 7 colleagues which is my friends also and I don‘t want any of them get too tension, unsatisfied or too political over this matter. However, I do hope my company will give credit to the other 7 people including me for our hard work although I doubt that my company will (and I might assume too soon).

Anyway, I hope thing turn up well and I do hope that I realize what I want although this would mean separated from my 3 close colleagues. I think this is the time I make my move and gamble everything I had. I already helped my 3 best colleagues (whenever they needed me) to where there are now, and now I have to help and depend on myself to get out from the dark. Wish me luck…Imagine Alfred, the butler who work for Batman go out fight crimes, this is so funny.

Punishment for being a Fresh Graduate...

Yet, another Monday and truthfully speaking, (for the first time)I‘m not in the mood to go back to work anymore. Last week was pretty rough on me during work and not to mention that the perspective I had on this company somehow drop 50%. It started on my HR manager where she keep bullies me and my colleagues by sending warning letter to us without any reason. At first, it was nothing, but after getting 4 warning letters, I was furious. I find it rather abusive and un-professional of her to act in such a way. So I get that she is the No.1 most hated person in the company, but do she have to go around and “cari gaduh” all the time. However, that is not the point, I mean, she can come out with something like, if the employee is late for 3 times for 10 minutes, she will deduct our annual leave. Not to mention that we been working our ass until late midnight plus weekend and she told us that she didn‘t believe in working late and 10 to 15 minutes late is not exceptional.

I find it rather odd, because I for once knew that many senior in the company is always late and when I did point out these issues, she scolded me back that I shouldn‘t have compare with senior, just because I‘m a fresh graduate and have no rights in voices out any opinion. In other word, is being a fresh graduate give the opportunity for this kind of people to abuse us? Even so, does this give them the right to come out with stupid rules? I take this matter to the director himself and was hoping that at least he would understand my situation (and I want justice), but it seem that he stand on the HR manager side as well. So as you can see, I lost every hope I had in this company and to think that I scarify most of my time to work in this company and all this while, I didn‘t felt being appreciated. However, after the bad incident, they all decided to have employee appraisal this week and since my reputation been down the drain, I have no ideas what is that fucking HR manager is going to do next or what will I do next.

Old Nazis with M16 guns....HELP!!!

I used to think that older people are all about wise and wisdom. Are they? Ok, maybe I‘m a little too harsh about the whole thing but when someone older than you tells you that when you have any problem, you can refer to them. Can they? I did eventually and give these old Nazis the opportunity to shot me down with their M16 gun. Tell me if I‘m wrong, but recently there are some issues about some rules which we young generation fail to achieve and in order for this Nazis to discipline us, they come out with the silliest new rules ever. As for me (the cute and innocent boy who wish to venture this life), I couldn‘t stand over the fact that this rules is somehow STUPID, so I speak out my mind in the most innocent ways and hopefully that these old Nazis could accept my opinion and somehow do something about it. However, after I finished, they tied me up and they start shooting;

1st shoot : What do you know about life, you are just 23.

2nd shoot : When I was young, we struggle a great deal to get something, what are you, an amateur.

3rd shoot : * I couldn't remember anything because I suffer from blood lost and my head start spinning

4th shoot : * I think I'm going to pass out

5th, 6th, 7th, ... shoot : * I'm dead...

Correct me if I‘m wrong, but is this how the mighty wisdom people talk? Seriously, I was just expressing my opinion and do they have to insult me like that. I might be just 23 and just a programmer, but I do know a great deal of what is out there and don‘t worry grandpa, I have the whole time in my hand to enjoy my life not like someone with their dick wrinkles every hour passing by. WHAT THE FUCK with the “when I was young…” speech (GET A GRIP GRANDPA), don‘t tell me what is the whole drama queen of your struggling, my great-grandparent swam all the way from China, what is the fuck with your tiny struggling that your sorry ass couldn‘t take. And HELLO! We live in Y2K now. I understand that you‘re struggling and I‘m sorry for you but all that is in the past. A past where we all learn and hope never to repeat the same mistake again and build a better future and guild the young generation to the correct path of life. Grandpa can‘t just simply wear MC Hammer‘s pants circle now and tell me that back then it was a hip, it will be fashion suicide. It got me wonder, are we, the young generation somehow being punish for the struggle the elderly face in the past. All of this is just pure bullshit. Deep down, I know that not many elderly people act this way and I know a lot of nicer elderly people and I love them. However, let me advise you, if you ever run into any elderly Nazis wannabe…juts run, run for the sake of your life.

Why do men window female shopping?

When a male friends ask me to go shopping with them, it only means two thing; 1st company him to go window female shopping and 2nd company him to go window female shopping. Although I find such activity is such a waste of times and foremost I don‘t really know why every male friends of mine like to do so but I always left them sitting alone while I go shopping myself. For me, I like to watch other people mainly because I like to observe the attitude and the fashion styles of each individual but I observe while I shop not sitting at one corner and suddenly turn into some self-stalker machine. However, having to ask all my male friends about their unusual activities, I find something which is quite rather interesting facts over their view of women.

Male Friends: Dude…this girl is so fine… I like the way she wear, almost as she is wearing nothing at all.

Me: Then, why not buy one for your girlfriend…I bet she will be DAMN fine too…

Male Friends: No way dude, I ain‘t let nobody sticking their eye at my girlfriend.

Me: Then what the FUCK you go stick your eye on someone‘s girlfriend…

It suddenly occur to me that, in men point of view, when a women is single, they can wear anything they want but when they illegally immigrate to mars, does the rules implies that they should covered up and live as a fugitive. Even so, if women have to live up to the men expectation, then why there are no rule applies to men either. How come, men still roam freely to sick their eyes in somebody breast even though they have a girlfriends. Anyway, maybe I‘m been too harsh on my male friends but I still couldn‘t get over the fact what is the whole big mystery about their favorite activities? It‘s just women breast not the sphinx.

Awkward being the Third Wheel in a "Couple" of Relationship!

The other day, I have the rather unpleasant day of my life. It would seem that I been drag many times by my “couple” friends to joined them for lunch. From the entire time being the third wheel in their relationship, I find it very awkward because most of the time, I would sit there waiting for time to goes by while both of them cuddle among each other. So, while stuck in a situation like this most of the time, I might as well take this opportunity to interview them. It went something like this;

Me: Are you sure you guys are comfortable having me here with you guys?

Couple: Why not, we love your company and beside we are bored seeing each other too much.

Me (inside my mind): What the Fuck???

Couple continued: U know, it is like the entire time, it is always him, it is always her. BORING…

Couple (in action): Cuddling…

Me: Get a ROOM…

It then hits me, in a relationship, since when the single people are taken as hostage to make a couple closer. I used to think that relationship is like a fix deposit in a bank, the longer you save, the more interest you will get. However, in a relationship nowadays it would seem that the more time both side spend with each other, the more likely they would loose the interest among each other. Not to mention, couples are usually threaten by single people because the single people would have the higher probability to break their relationship NOT keeping their relationship (weird!). However, I still couldn‘t shake this feeling of being the third wheel and felt guilty over the fact that I wanted a girlfriend too not a “couple“ friends. I find it rather sad because I used to have a relationship and it ended rather disappointing and I don‘t need x-rated couples to remind me how good it was having someone to be there for me. Anyway, maybe it is hard walking in a single people shoes, that is why we need a “couple” of shoes to make us feel good…