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Saturday, September 17, 2005

Killing with Question...

There were times, when all I do was just works, works and works. Up until a time, when I start questioning myself, is there more to life than just work. Being myself all this while, I always find it ironic because come to think of it, what would I do if I was not working. I spend most of my weekend doing the same regular thing over and over again up until a certain point, it somehow become my part time job or a fix regular schedule where my body is automatically responded to every single day of my life. In some point, I find that my working life, somehow seems so much meaningful and I felt a sense of direction where I am trying to achieve something special than having spend my time relaxing and achieve nothing at all.

However, having said all that, with all the mix messages and emotional suffering I had with work, I somehow questioning myself back with a lot of questions and somehow, I felt insecure, misleading and unsure what I had become as a person. Having stuck with questions like will I be confirmed, will I get reward accordingly as to what I had delivered, will I able to meet the deadline, did I meet the expectation, will my team perform as they should, are they hating me for what I've done, when should we delivered this module and what should be delayed, what are the risk, is the client happy, am I over stepping the boundaries or am I questioning myself too much? After all the questioning, I couldn't help but these suppose to be the task of a new intern programmer?

I keep asking myself why was I pick to lead the team, why was I given the responsibility when my team consist of some senior programmers where else I'm just a junior programmer and why do the company hired me to do something which is clearly not my job title and yet, they trusted me to do it. Should I be proud of myself and be happy with it or keep killing it with questions? Either way, the questions somehow make me even more confuse than ever or have I brought this on myself by assuming too much which supposedly I am not.


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Blogger Seymour Cakes said...

Be a leader, not someone who doubts that and this.

12:55 PM  

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