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Thursday, February 03, 2005

I'm Not Worth it...

I must admit that this past few days was devastated. I been head cracking research on this web service called Axis (which btw, is something people develop way past few years ago and I didn‘t know about it) and although I like to think this is a good opportunity to learn something new but truthfully speaking, it is way out of my league. However, how hard it is, I still need to finish it or else someone will definitely laugh at me. Not to say that it didn‘t motivate me to do better, but I find him and few other quite irritating. As if they wanted to see me die or fail in my module (probably because of what I wrote in my past previous blog…another disadvantage of posting a blog). Here I though that by telling them what I want, they turn out to be something I less expected.

Although in many times, they told me that they were joking about it, but the more they do it, the more I see that they truly mean it. They always say “There, BIG module…see how you going to die…you ask for it“. If I ask for help, they will reply “You ask for big module, you solve it”. Positively thinking, I get to be independent and learn from my mistake, negatively thinking, I think I‘m going to die soon and regret telling them anything. Another thing which de-motivates me was, there are no increment in my salary after all the hard works I have done for this company. To make matter worst, my promoted-colleagues think that I don‘t deserve a raise because I‘m not worth it and keep saying negative stuff to keep irritate me. When they have the same salary as me, the entire time, their non stop complaining about how low their salary is, I was there morally supporting them and now they got it and to hear them saying that I‘m not worth it after what I have done the entire time.

Yesterday, during my appraisal, I discover that even my own project manager didn‘t know what I have been trough for this project and didn‘t even know half of the thing I‘ve done for it. Even some of the senior was surprise to know that the amount of work I have done just within a year. So, most of it is not technical and I didn‘t claim that I was a technical expert, but I been hell for this project doing the entire multi-tasking job and thankfully enough, I was able to perform my tasks within the timeline given. Sadly enough, I dont‘t think any of them would understand what I and the rest had been trough. Anyway, Chinese New Year is coming, and thanks to the entire event these past few days, I didn‘t really have the mood to go trough my CNY but CNY suck anyway. I‘ll be leaving KL soon and I won‘t have broadband for one whole week and have to face all my useless idiotic relatives during this holiday. Hopefully this holiday pass as fast as possible, but still, I don‘t really have the mood to come back to work anymore. This is sad.

PS: Happy Chinese New Year Everyone…


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