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Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Escape from the Dark...

Once upon a time, there was this little boy who wrote “what will I be when I grow up?“ and then when he reach his puberty stage, he look up to his old man and thinking “That what I wanna be when I grow up“. When the little boy somehow turns into teenager and then enters into the circle of adulthood, he asks himself “FUCK…what the hell I want”. That once-upon-a-time-little-boy was me and still me and surprisingly, I end up nowhere near what I want. My father was a successful housing developer and 2 years ago, he offered me a position as a director in his company. I have an opportunity right in front of me, but instead, I choose my own road to become a programmer as I had now. I choose a job which I have no passion in it and even if I accept my father offered, I‘ll be lying to myself as I did to myself now.

One of my good friends told me that I choose this job is mainly because of what some of my close colleagues did. Working with this few close colleagues, it really inspire me to become one of them, to be one of their team and I wanted so badly to be part of what they do. I wish my friend was wrong and I though that all my hard work can maintain my position together with them but now, it finally hit me, my close colleagues get promoted to a higher position and I‘m stuck at a place where I begin. I hate to say this, but from where I stand the entire time, I was different from them. I was never a technical person and even with all my hard work, I will never catch up to where they are now. Not to mention, I have none what-so-ever similar interest with the rest of them, whenever there is an opportunity, they always get it together and excluded me out and mixing with them, I always have low self-esteem. They are like Batman, Robin, and Nightwing where they go out fighting crime and receive all the limelight where else I am Alfred, the butler that working for Batman in his mansion.

Surprisingly, I know what I am good at but it always occurs to me that this is not the type of job I want and I end up choosing the job that I hate. Anyway, since my company has this employee appraisal, 3 of my close colleagues got promoted out of 10 people, and somehow it seem to be a lot of tension around everybody. My 3 close colleagues who get promoted end up being too insensitive to the others people feeling and the rest who still remain in the dark, will still remain in the dark. Don‘t get me wrong, I think that 3 candidate deserve what they got because they earn it and being a friend to them, I am happy for them but still, although I might get too bias and I always support that 3 colleagues, there are other 7 colleagues which is my friends also and I don‘t want any of them get too tension, unsatisfied or too political over this matter. However, I do hope my company will give credit to the other 7 people including me for our hard work although I doubt that my company will (and I might assume too soon).

Anyway, I hope thing turn up well and I do hope that I realize what I want although this would mean separated from my 3 close colleagues. I think this is the time I make my move and gamble everything I had. I already helped my 3 best colleagues (whenever they needed me) to where there are now, and now I have to help and depend on myself to get out from the dark. Wish me luck…Imagine Alfred, the butler who work for Batman go out fight crimes, this is so funny.


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