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Sunday, January 16, 2005

Blur & Depress...

Well, I think two days of cooling down my depression should be enough. Although I must admit that, in my previous post was kinda silly and childish of me to react such a way. However, I still hate the entire thing I wrote in the list but what can I say, it is me. Last Thursday, I got a called from my mum and she told me that she had a minor tumor in her body and that she needs a minor surgery to remove it. Actually, I‘m not sure whether it is a tumor, or a disease, cos she told me in mandarin which clearly I couldn‘t understand at all and my mum didn‘t know what it is called in English but having to go trough surgery was bad enough for me to know that this is bad. However, I was helpless and the least I can do for her was to comfort her a little but, instead I freak out. I totally go bla and I couldn‘t find the correct word to say to her and the worst part, I accidentally told her about my car accident 2 month ago. Which apparently shocked my mum and she scolds me back for not telling her. The fact was, I didn‘t plan to tell her because I didn‘t want to worry her or anything and I‘m sure that she is having a hard time telling me about her tumor which I react in the most stupidest way. After she scold me, it finally hit me that how important the word “honesty” in a family is and I shouldn‘t have keep the accident from her or anything else because I know that deep down, that she will always be there for me. I felt bad that not only did I not comfort her about her problem; I make her in the shocking stage (how utterly stupid of me).

The next day, I went to work with my gloomy face and at the seriously wrong timing, one of my colleagues ask me to help him photocopy some document for him and I lash out my rage on him. I know that I‘m not suppose to do that and I felt guilty over it but the thing is, he is conducting a technical meeting and I wanted so badly to be part of it but instead he excluded me out (probably because he never think I‘m worthy of it). Moreover, excluding me out was bad enough and he dare ask me to just photocopy document for him, plus the stupid incident happen with my mum, I totally go haywire on him. Seriously, I‘ve been working as a technical person all this while, he and the rest of the colleagues never for once treated me like their team but instead as their maid (calculate this, drive to lunch, admin work, documentation, etc). I didn‘t want appreciation/recognition nor did I want anything from them, what I really need from them is to trust me and know that I‘m worth it enough to be part of their team. Over the years, I have proven myself and my programming skill. I just don‘t see why it is hard for them to trust me.

Anyway, everything seems so blur to me and I seriously didn‘t know what to do next. I needed someone to talk to and I wanted to call my mum but still, I didn‘t think this is a good idea although I did mention earlier about family and honesty; I felt that I should keep this problem to myself. Within these two days, I‘ve been thinking a lot and on the same time, cooling myself from depression. I did call my mum and we had a long chat and I‘m glad she is fine now (plus, luckily I didn‘t say anything wrong to piss her off) but I didn‘t tell her about my problem. However, I still couldn‘t come out with anything for myself and what will make me happy…sad.

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