December...

December is just around the corner, although Iim not living in any 4-season-country, but I can feel the chill around me. Everything seems so cold, white, and empty. It felt like its reaching to the end of everything. My friend once told me that the December sky is the most beautiful sky compares to other month but all I could see is just plain empty sky. Moment likes this; I wish I could just sit at the beach with my blanket and enjoy the breeze and the calmness of the sea. I could only wish that I could just let go of everything and ran to somewhere to grad hold of myself, filling up the pieces that is missing within me. Maybe it is just me, but I feel so lost. I didn‘t know what wrong with me or even why I ever did that. Anyway, another month to year ends, another close chapter in my life…

Old News...

Yesterday, I was celebrating a belated birthday for one of my college friend. It was better than I expected but I felt guilty because I organized the gathering and a few friends were able to turn up. However, although the amount of people was small plus a huge cake, 3 of us were having a good time talking about our jobs and our previous college friends which we seem to lost contact. What make it even sadder was, it used to be 9 of us together during our college period and we did make a pack that we would still be friends and still contact with each other once each of us commit to work. However, it would seem to me that the pack have been broken. Even without a job or with a job, some of my friend felt the competition which I never expected to happened at all. Many people judge me because I have good jobs offer where else my friends didn‘t and then, people start to spread words on how I really doesn‘t deserve my current job as a programmer because I don‘t have a degree cert or probably they say that programming is not suitable for me and saying stuff like me purposely trying to compete with them. I find it is stupid and irrelevant because who are they to judge me or decide which I like or not. Until now, we didn‘t contact each other anymore because I moved out from that place to somewhere my friends couldn‘t find me at all. Until recently, I did contact a few close friends of my and sadly to say, I still heard rumors that my friend still angry at me for getting such a good job where else they still jobless (Did i mention that these people hold a distinction in degree and I fail my degree). Anyway, I am thankful for getting this job and move out or else I will stick with that pathetic people (MY GOODNESS, it been 1 years and still they are angry at me for getting nice offer). However, the day before yesterday, I again organized a party for my colleagues, and apart from “it was an enjoyable evening”, but again, as usual, I prepared too many foods. Darnit… however, organizing party is fun, but it is a very troublesome and tiring job. Even today, I‘m exhausted!!!

Stop Questioning

Previously, I have a lot in my minds about things that shouldn‘t be a problem. I ask a lot of questions about myself and how I would fit in this world. I often fantasize about a world that never existed and hopes for the future that would turn out my way. When thing doesn‘t work out, I always bury my sorrow in myself or probably write a badly English-written blog to ease myself. I always hope that I was in New York where having a shrink would be a normal typical must-have thing, so I can talk to someone about stuff that is bothering me. They say, friends are our 24 hours free access shrink, but let‘s face it, being 23 and everybody around us is busy with their own life, we somehow have to face our problem alone. In our early childhood period, we have nothing to worry other than exams but when we reach a period of time of adulthood, we now face the exam about ourselves and we all started to ask ourselves why, what, how, who, and when. What if, after all that disappointment, suffering, heart-break and getting no-where, should we stop questioning about ourselves and take action to what we should do.

Closing Door!!!

It is almost end of the year and I hate to admit that yet another bad year for me. If I were to write a story about my so-called pathetic life, I would personally say it would be the worst seller in book history because my stories never end happily ever after. Maybe I‘m too cynical about myself or maybe the truth I found within myself wasn?t as good as it look. What I found ironically was we tend to look upon other as one significant being but when we look at ourselves, we couldn‘t see anything. For me, being a very low-esteem person, I can handle critic well although it is hurtful, but I learn from my mistake and try to improve as much possible as I can. However, toward certain extend, I take the critic too seriously until I become a person who wasn‘t me at all but a person who‘s living in other people expectation. Having negative thought, thing weren?t easier and it become worst when we being label by other non other than your friend. Every time, people say nice things about me when they want me to drive or do something and then the entire time, people start to critic me because I drive badly and other time, they won‘t even bother talkig to me or ignore me that I existed and worst of all, being label as a taxi driver. I try to ignore it, but I was wondering, am I really treated as a friend or multi-usage devices. At some part, the things that I do, as a friends, they really judge me and think me otherwise and use it against me. I sometime feel helpless and it hurt me really deeply. I used to treat by other this way and I ran away from it and now, I‘m feeling it again. Previously, I dare not open my door but it would seem that that I couldn‘t reach out to other. However, when I open my door, I expose myself too much and end up hurting again. I think now it time to just close the door again?

Dukka..my suffering!!!

I‘m trying to find my inner peace but I couldn‘t find any. I‘m been trying my very best not to let some small sweat stuff to bother me, but every word I hear, every action I see and everything seem to bother me. I felt like this suffering inside of me screaming to get out and I just wanted to let loose, hitting something or even cut myself and just let my blood flow out. I might sound crazy but I used to do that, watching my hand full of blood. At first, when slashing the knife to my hand, it felt like being sting by bees and then white flesh can bee seen and then huge amount of blood flood out. Wonderful scene if I could say. Anyway, I can‘t really handle stress very well. My mind somehow twisted and I get very sensitive to almost anything. Maybe, that is why I?m depressing all the time. For few times, I try ignoring my surrounding but every part of my body can‘t resist it. IM SOOO MESS UP!!!

CSS...Makeup make Wonder!!!

Phew…Finally come out with a new layout for my blog. I was bored with the default template and truthfully, I can‘t stand being stuck at one point where everything looks the same forever. I could say that these layouts are the 4th layout that I have done for this blog and it is nice to experiment more on how to modify the layout of a website although it is not recommendable. The theme for this blog, I was thinking of something spiritual and plain, that why certain philosophy of Buddhism was pertained in here. Moreover, my first 2 designs for my blog, I focus more on flash and images and I didn‘t really know how to combine entirely or mix-up between images and pure HTML and end up my blog feel kind of weird. In this current theme, I was focusing more on using CSS instead and I was surprise on what CSS could do. CSS is like make-up make wonder for HTML. I‘m still in the process of learning CSS and hopefully, I can enhance on my blog‘s look and feel. However, I been looking around my blog‘s code and I couldn‘t find any ways to actually modify my blog simple font‘s CSS. Anyway… Still looking around…

Never say bad thing about other!!!

They say if you treats other badly, it will happen to you. Well for me, it really did. Last few month ago, I laugh at my housemate for chrashing the house water meter pipe and yesterday, I ran over it. In my previous blog, I was celebrating BIGTIME because the one person that I hate most got fired and my tyre go KABOOM this morning while going to work. The sad thing was, I didn‘t knew that my tyre go BOOM BOOM until I was driving for about 5 miles and some nice other car people started waving at me and pointing my front tyre and show me some hand expresion of KABOOM. So I have learn my lessons. However, being childish and all, I‘m still not happy over the fact that I was treated like dirt. OK, so accident happened…but what is wrong with having some happy moment celebrating something that other take away from you. YADA YADA YADA…Today is a very bad day…HATE IT…

Bitch and Asshole never meant to be TOGETHER!!!

I was surfing the net around 3am in the morning because i sleep too much in the afternoon and surprisingly, I wasn‘t the only person that is having a restless night. I saw one of my ex-roommate (call Mr.nice) was online too and so, I say “Hi”. We started off with some usual meet and greet standard protocol and he was telling me that he was working (MY GOODNESS!!!) night shift as a system admin supporting US Company. I was shock but what can I say, we all entered different line of work and work is work. However, our conversation began to heat up as Mr.nice mention about this female friend of ours…lets call her Bitch…why? Well, this bitch was once my housemate and the reason why I tolerate living with her is because my another roommate (who also my once-best-friend-slash-asshole-cum-worst-enemy right now and let call him Asshole) wanted to live with her. The relationship I had with that Asshole was the best thing that ever happen in my life at first… he was like best friend and I treated him as my own brother and stuff, but thing turn out worst when that Bitch came into the picture. It is so obvious that bitch keep stabbing behind my back and that bitch seduce that asshole in to believing I was the bad person. I was so stupid to think that the asshole was my best friend and to think that I wasted my entire 1 year blindly for him and I what do I get in return? He move out and never ever wanted to speak with me again. I felt like a big shot gun just shot right into my forehead. That incident was one year ago and I was in the state of depression until now. Anyway, speaking of that bitch, she did move out one year ago together with that asshole, but she stay in Seremban because she got this offer from Samsung Company which was the highest paying salary among all of our friends and I think she dump that asshole too. Anyway, when that bitch got that job, she keep telling us how great it was and how high her salary is, but I never bother it because, after 3 week that asshole moved out. I moved to another place in KL and completely isolated myself from all my friends and I could officially say that it is almost 1 year I never heard anything about them anymore. Anyway, back to Mr.nice, he was telling me about this shocking news about that bitch where, that bitch was fired by her so called High-Salary-Slash-U_FIRED-Samsung-Company and the best part was, she was called by her supervisor and then they immediately on the spot ask her to leave the company. I felt bad because why she would end up like that but part of me was totally happy because I hate her so much. She then moved back to find her asshole and start crying endlessly… that what I been told by mr.Nice. After the shocking good news, and he have to get back to work and I have to sleep which I did and woke up this morning feeling so much better than my usual self…I‘m so bad. What can I say, that the price for being such a BITCH!!!

My New Nikon 4200!!!

Last year, I bought this really nice digicam (Nikon Coolpix SQ) and I adore it because of its unique design. However, around 1 month ago, my digicam‘s screen was entirely blank and couldn‘t even take any photos. I was bump at first but thing got worst later when I heard that the cost to fix it cost around RM800. I might as well buy a new one which I did…hehehe. Last week, after finally gather enough money, I bought my very new Nikon Coolpix 4200. Frankly speaking, I didnt know anything about camera but simply take photos for memories purposes and I always admire those photographer that can take good photos with some lighting effect and stuff. My colleague teach some trick but it doesn‘t work or maybe I couldn‘t get hold of the concept or maybe my old digicam couldn‘t perform such effect. After buying this new digicam, my another colleague (who own a sony digicam and like to take photos too) teach me all there is too know about my digicam. She is like a living Digicam Manual Book and thruthfully speaking, she is really good. She teach me some simple focusing technique and I was totally blast by how simple it was. Anyway, here is some few samples that I took for my first assignment learning about digicam. BTW, I always get excited and go Crazy over small stuff which everyone already know. Can‘t blame me, cos people get the impression, I came from jungle…hahaha
My hand was a bit shaky, so the image kinda run out but so far, this is the one photos taken by me which I am proud of. BTW, this statue was given to me by one of my colleague who went to Thailand for holiday and end up lost his passport and stuck in Thailand for one week.
My indian colleagues told me that this elephant head status is actually the son of Shiva. Of all my colleagues, I was the only one that got this unique statue wherelse my other colleagues got some buddha statue. I was freak at first because (Forgive me for saying this) the statue actually give me the creep. I put on top of my monitor ans some times while doing some coding, I always got scare by the statue. I dare not bring back and put it in my room because scare of nightmare.
My another colleague got a sleeping buddha. Look peaceful...
Anyway, my colleague that bought this presant doesn‘t consider the fact that some people might get sensitive over this religios thing although it is only a statue for decoration. My goodness, he even put a buddha statue at my malay colleague table. For me, although I‘m a buddhist, but I‘m not that really into it or understand it. I beleive it exist as much as I beleive in Jesus or even Allah. However, as long it bring peaceful mind and hopeful for people, it doesn‘t really matter which religion to go to. Anyway, so much for my first assignment. My battery ran out before I could even play around. I think that is enough for now…

My Company Chocolate and Me!!!

Lately, I‘ve been getting free chocolates from my colleagues. Everyone in my company are currently in the holiday mood. Some colleagues went for holidays and brought some chocolate back…LUCKY ME!!! The chocolate (Pix) is from Nicholas. He went to Langakawi during the raya festival. However, the chocolate melted before I could even eat it. Blame it on my company lousy air-con, which never function properly…DAMN HOT…BHAH!!!

Holiday Season....Darnit!!!

Deepavali and Hari Raya finally over and now back to work. I find it weird because I‘m looking forward to work instead of celebrating holidays. Although there aren‘t much to celebrate but people tend to spend more on holiday. For example, I spend like a total of 2K bring my mum shopping during the pass 3 day holiday and now I‘m officially broke. What can I say, it is the end of the year and I personally think that everybody from children to adult don‘t have the mood to do anything but stuck in the holiday mood. For working people, I think they, already plan their leave on Christmas and New Year. Heck, I still have like around 12 days of annual leave and I don‘t know whether I would take them or not. Been working for like 1 year now, I only apply for 1 day leave plus 1 day MC leave which my company HR bitch calculate it in my annual leave. However, I wouldn‘t care less cause I still have a lot of leaves which I only can brought forward like 5 days to next year. Apparently, there isn‘t much thing to do in my company though. I‘m sitting at my desk doing nothing and trying my best to do something. BORED!!! BORED!!! BORED!!!

Missing a little of Something Something!!!

I think I‘m having my period right now!!! Usually, I would complained about my self-boring drama scene or go BLA over some silly soap opera and try to relate my life into theirs but somehow, thing‘s doesnt goes as what I would usually seem it would be. Maybe it is my crazy self again, but somehow the thing that I‘ve been through aren‘t that bad but something is not right or something is missing…I dunnu. My mum came and visited me today, and we went all-day shopping but somehow, I doesn‘t have the mood at all to shop and she been looking forward to it so badly. After almost of 4 hour torturing myself, I get even fustrated because I couldn‘t find any suitable stuff that I wanted to buy and what more importantly, I couldn‘t smoke. My mum would probably kill me if she find out that I was smoking. However, out of my expectation, I was joking to my sis about buying me a nice silver lighter but surpisingly, on that very spot, she admit that she smoked. That moment, I was totally BLAST and WOW and on that very spot..I seriously need a cigarette. End up, I didn‘t smoke for 1 day and it seem pretty hard not to smoke. Anyway, I still couldn‘t help but wonders… was it the cigarette, was it the shopping mall, or what was it. I should be enjoying myself but somehow, I felt something was missing…wonder what it is?

Creepy Thought!!!

People say, whenever we reach the end of our life, we will able to see our past flying pass through us like a movie recap. I always wonder, was it the same feeling when we meet that special someone who was once important to you and then it suddenly gone but appear again in your life and all the memories start to flash back and haunt us again. Or was it that the moment that we drive alone in a car during the raining day, suddenly those familiar songs appear, you look outside your window and you see your past slowing passing through. Or was it just all in my head! I couldn‘t help but wonder, after having too much time alone, was it safe to wonder in the past again. Knowing that we can‘t really change the past, yet we all knew that we should build a better future for ourselves but why do we still suffer in the presence because of our past. It seems to me that, the past will somehow mysterious continue to haunt us until we truly understand it and somehow solve it and only by then, when we look back, we will have no regret at all. My past always appears in different way of form but always the similar result or scene which I always felt like a deja-vu all over again. The problem is, I still couldn‘t find the solution to this problem and yet I knew what‘s the outcome will be in the future. Kind give me the creep right now…

Happy 1st Anniversary...

It been a years since I started working in this company. Yesterday, I and my colleagues celebrate it with 3 jugs of beers and it was really a good time. Sitting there, having a few laugh about what is like when we all first met one year ago. Some look older, some wiser, some improve and most importantly, we all got closer as a friends during that year. I might be naive but I always like the feeling of being with somebody through hard and happy time. During that 1 year, I might not do much important stuff but through each process, I was able to understand the situation and just accept it without questioning the fact and most importantly, i was able to understand my own team. Throughout the year, I see that my colleagues improve a lot and they are all starting to show their potential area that they excel in. When I look at them, I felt really happy for them because they really deserve it after all the hard work. When I look at myself, I could say that I‘m still the pretty same old-self which will never improve. Maybe I am lazy. I was never a study to prepare for the future kind of guy. I‘m more to solve the problems when the problems arise. During that 1 year, because of close relationship with my own colleagues, I always knew who, where and when to look for the solution to all my problems. Even in a project, when I was given a module to do, I always knew where to look for the codes and copy code it although I never knew the programming language. Even if I stuck at certain area, I knew my colleagues will be there to help me. So, thanks to my colleagues, I was able to survive until today. To think that 10 of us came in together and start off together and become friends. One which is pretty annoying and very pushy, but have a kind heart but have bad mouth but he didn‘t mean it. One which always been there beside me and help me although his hair turn white with his own problems and all I can do is provide moral support because my programming suck and I can‘t help much but I still like him best. One which have dirty mind and the coolest among all of us and the one that I like to hang out with most because I got to learn many new cool stuff from him. Another colleague, who I treat her as my own big sister because she is fun to played with and we usually beat each other up and quarell over silly stuff but it was fun. My coffee bean companion, she is very quite and I couldn‘t get most of her word because of her slang but she is like a living bomb, can bomb anytime if you pisses her off. Maybe that is what I like about her. My useless leader, who I admire for his programming skill but not his attitude but still he is a good friend. Another cheapskate colleague who like to boss around which always irritate me but I like to piss her off because she look funny. Yet another unique mono-tone male colleague that always seem to have bad luck with almost everything but always fill me up with laughter. The last and not forgetting another colleague was, she always miscalculate everything because she always minus 2 for what I also don‘t know why and also seem to miscalculate for her love to my leader. Weird! Well anyway, I felt complete and motivated when I am with them and hey, this is an anniversary of our 1 year friendship too. Cheer everybody!!!